The downfall of naked decorating

The Sun reports that a 50-year-old clergyman had to undergo emergency surgery in order to remove a potato from his ass. The embarrassed reverend explained the accident was not a sexual experiment gone wrong. Instead, he claims he was hanging curtains in his kitchen while nude, lost his balance and fell backward onto the potato... classic excuse.

I've often heard from nurses that "Ass Boxes" actually exist - that is, objects retrieved from the posterior cavity of freaky people (i.e. Richard Gere). A physician from the admitting hospital revealed other objects found in the ass box (not from the same vicar). They include - a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll and a carnation.

Seinfeld "Assman" clip - a million to one shot, doc:

How do you like them Pumpkins: Why your pumpkin is lame

The traditional triangle-eyed and crooked smile pumpkin face has nothing on this guy's work.

Quote of the Week: Paris Hilton, Space Cadet

NASA continues to examine the state of new strains of viral diseases in space. On that note, Paris Hilton may be the first space-whore to travel on Virgin's (haha, the irony) Enterprise Rocket. She recently said:

"What if I don't come back? With the whole light-years thing, what if I come back 10,000 years later, and everyone I know is dead? I'll be like, 'Great. Now I have to start all over.'"

If this is her wedding day, what will her wedding night look like?

Sixteen year-old Missy Quinn was recently married to her 17 year-old boyfriend, Thomas, in a £100,000 wedding. Her dad, pictured below, paves driveways for a living - but managed to save up for his daughters wedding. He said, "it was worth every penny."

Missy left school at the age of 9 and travelled with her family across Europe in a Caravan (I suspect the kind Brat Pitt inhabits in Snatch). She met her husband at an amusement park when she was 13.

In total, the £100,000 covered (taken from Dlisted.com):

• Missy's luxurious two-piece wedding gown: £16,000

• Missy's gorgeous crystal bouquet: £500

• The outfits worn by some of the babies at the wedding: £300

• One of the guests' hot pants and bra ensemble: £700

• Missy and Thomas' new trailer, a gift by her parents: £18,000

Sexy, yet elegant...

The Bride's 33-year old mom, 17-year of husband, and 35-year old father.

Bridesmaids - or blue puffy balls o' chola

Fur coat... nice touch

Garter belt on a 1o-year old - R. Kelly must be taking a long cold shower

A Must Watch: Wassup 2008

Remember those Bud/Wassup videos from a few years back? A new political parody featuring the same actors as the original has been released by the website 60frames. Below is the original Wassup video.

Puff, Puff, Dash

Miss Teen Louisiana USA, Lindsey Evans - was busted by the popos when she tried to dine and dash. Her fool-proof plan ran into some trouble when she realized she left her purse at the scene of the crime. Inside her purse? A bag of weed...

By the time she returned to the restaurant to reclaim her purse etc., the police had already been contacted. They recognized her right away and arrested her. Unfortunately, Evans lost her crown due to the mess only 11 days before her term was to end. No word if she has been contacted by Donald Trump.

Cary Elwes - also known as Westley from the Princess Bride - turns 46 today! Since the high point of his career, circa '87 to '93, Elwes has appeared in several films such as Saw, Ella Enchanted, Factory Girl, some tv movie about the Pope, and Georgia Rule. Despite a slow point in his career, it looks like Elwes might be able to move out of his box with the completetion of a few new movies.

McCain photo-op v2.0

I'm not falling for that one...

The old "Financial compensation for drug use" line.. oldest trick in the book.

Image: Scanned copy of advertisement found in Metro News, Wednesday October 22, 2008.
"Healthy Men and Women 18 to 55 years of age, with recreationaal druge experience are needed to participate in a clinical research study.

'If you use depressants (downers, barbituates, GHB, benzodiazepines, roofies, cannabis) and opiates (hydromorphone, oxycodone, morphine), contact us today to see if you qualify.

Financial compensation up to $4,255."

My Advice to McCain

My advice to McCain - don't pose like this:

...Or I'll have to do this...

PALIN - DROME

Valuable advice in palindrome form from vice-presidential hopeful, Sarah Palin.

You know you're Canadian when....

When you accidentally call Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin Sarah Polley on more then one occasion - which is less an insult to Polley's intelligence as it is a testament to my fond childhood memories of Road to Avonlea.

As I'm sure you've seen already - this Sarah Palin skit is hilarious (even though she sits there and does nothing)

Reason No.2 Wahlberg is a Douche

Mark Wahlberg recently appeared on Jimmy Kimmel, and revealed exactly how unfunny he found last week's SNL skit. For a man who has made a career out of dropping his pants, he has no sense of humour.

When I hear the word Shenanigans - I can't help but to think of this clip.

The Secret to a Long Life - Hint: You've f**ked it up already

Clara Meadmore is 105 years old - and a virgin. She credits her virginity as the reason behind her old age. On the subject of sex, the retired secretary says:

"I imagine there is a lot of hassle involved and I have always been busy doing other things.

"When I was a girl you only had sex with your husband and I never married. I grew up in an era where little girls were to be seen and not heard so I had to learn to stand up for myself and earn my own living.

"Some men don't like that in a woman and before long I was too old to marry anyway."

This story seems a little sad. I bet this lady didn't intend on staying a virgin her whole life. I'm sure she looked around her as everyone she knew was not only having sex, but coupling up and falling in love - and felt somewhat unworthy. I can't believe she wasn't curious enough to pay for it, or drunkenly seduce a friend into doing the deed. Hell, by the time I reached 30 years old, I'd be throwing it at the homeless.

So any volunteers?

A few weekends ago, Saturday Night Live parodied Mark Wahlberg in a meh-funny skit called Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals. The skit featured Andy Samberg as Wahlberg in a fairly decent impersonation - the longer you watched, the better it got. Now, Cranky Crank and the Whiny bunch (editor's note - lame!) is speaking out.

"Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And Saturday Night Live hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now"

... then he went back to waxing his chest, producing Entourage, and tag-teaming bitches with Bob Saget.

Bambi voted saddest thing in the world - Lets show children!

Walt Disney’s Bambi was recently voted the ‘Best Tearjerker’ of all time in an online poll conducted by Pearl and Dean. The infamous moment when Bambi’s mother is killed by hunters (although off-camera) has been making tears since ’42, according to 3,000 film lovers.

Apparently, the animated classic can also be credited for swaying Paul McCartney into vegetarianism.

Also on the list, Ghost starring my favourite sexy ghei-man (not quite fully, but a line’s been crossed) Patrick Swayze; The Lion King; Titanic starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, Steven Spielberg’s ET; Beaches starring Bette Midler and Philadephia starring Tom Hanks.

I'm tired of the Jolie-Pitt clan

If you were world famous (as in your every move was documented everywhere) but you still craved privacy, would you allow a picture of your equally famous partner breastfeeding your newborn child on the cover of a magazine? Just a thought...

You'll also notice Brad currently has a film in release, while Ange's movie "The Changeling" will be released soon. I've managed to portray this hypocrisy as a mathematical equation: no films = privacy please, films=titties for all!

Maybe Its You...

Women are not exempt from douchebag status - perfectly illustrated by Lauren Conrad: 'reality'-star, alleged clothing designer, friend-alienator, Brody Jenner-humper, and overall airhead.

Conrad is only 22 years-old, and already owns a $113,000 Audi R8 sports car. Shes also already working on destroying her second best-friendship, this time with Audrina Patridge. Conrad is accused of hooking up with Patridge's on/off boyfriend Justin/Bobby (one person). When will this no-talent simpleton finally realize its not that shes befriend bad people, but that she in turn is the bad friend.

Conrad's first highly-publicized feud was with former bestfriend Heidi Montag.

Poor Hef!

Geez folks - you know times of rough when you have to foreclose on your hoes.

Turns out, that may be the case with Hugh Hefner, who is reportedly close to bankruptcy. Several sites, including ppppp, are reporting that Hefner has been cutting back on staff to reduce costs, and inviting the public to private Playboy parties. Tickets to the hotbed of clymedia will range in price from $5,000 to $25,000 (expect higher costs if celebs are present).

Even sadder, Hefner and his two main ladies (out of three) have reportedly split up. Kendra Wilkinson and Holly Madison (the main one) have blogged about their recent splits, moving into new apartments, and onto new men. Kendra is reportly dating pro-footballer Hank Baskett, while Holly is seeing magical douchebag, Criss Angel.

In Communist Russia.. Judo kicks you

Former Russian President/current Russian Prime Minister (and former Judo champion of Leningrad,) Vladimir Putin has released a Judo fighting video called (..wait for it) "Lets Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin". This isn't the first display of Red Machoism; Vlad has been photographed shirtless while fishing, at the wheel of a massive racing truck, shooting a tiger in the Siberian forest, operating a train, sailing on a submarine, and co-piloting a fighter jet!

Apparently, Vlad has become a recent sex symbol due to all these manly pics in the media. I can see why - Vlad is brazen in his complete defiance of traditional norms of male beauty; such as muscles, a full hairline or a neck with a skin tone that matches the rest of his body.

Happy Birthday Hilary Banks

Today is Karen Parsons' birthday - she is 42 years old!

Parsons' is best known for her role on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which first aired in 1990.

Parsons' last acting credit was Static Shock in 2002. She is currently working on a series of animated DVDs about notable black heroes.

Since Fresh Prince, Parsons has appeared in such films as the Ladies Man and 13 Moons.

This joke is funnier if you've heard of LOLcats and LOLspeak. Click to view description.

Classic Tobias Funke moments for a cold Monday evening.

Lets keep this Reynolds train going...

Gross and Grosser!

Sleep tight....

Welcome to Really? Him?!? A weekly feature where the V examines former sex symbols. On today's chopping block: The man with the original tickler, Burt Reynolds a.k.a. Turd Ferguson.

Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr - born February 11, 1936 in Lasing, Michigan.

Notable roles: Lewis Medlock in Deliverance, Paul Crewe in The Longest Yard, Bo 'Bandit' Darville in Smokey and the Bandit, and Jack Horner in Boogie Nights.

Was he sexy? In addition to spreading on a bear skin rug, Reynolds also appeared in Playgirl magazine, as well as other provocative photos.

Verdict: For a women who spend as much time as I do depilating, my answer is NO. Why would I spend all that time removing hair, just to return it to the same spot?

Click on the photo for a larger version, if you dare... (editor's note - its hard to tell where Turd ends and the bear begins).

Shut Up Gallagher!

Palin has a limited vocabulary

DO NOT send in the clowns

I get it - a naked clown calendar to support a local charity... Its funny, original and generous - but creepy as hell. For those of you who were terrified of clowns growing up, this won't help you sleep either. There's nothing quite like sexualizing child entertainers.

Take a peek...

Because Shes worth it

Heather Locklear was arrested this weekend for driving under the suspicion of drugs/alcohol.

C'mon Heather... would it kill you to clean yourself up before a mug shot? God knows you have the time to look your best – you’re not working. To help with future mugshots,I’ve compiled a few tips to help Heather and other celebrities look their best in their darkest hour.

1 - Comb your hair, or at least pull it back to cover the roots. I realize times are rough, especially for unemployed actresses who hit their prime MILF-dom in the 90s, but re-negotiate your L’Oreal hair dye contract to include root touch-ups as required

2 - Politely ask for a tissue to remove the crusty eyeliner spoiled by drunken tears at the scene of the crime. Further, prevent drunkenly crying in public unless you consider a TMZ video a comeback.

3 - Try to not look stoned. The dear-caught-in-headlights/Laura Bush perma-expression is a dead-give away of guilt. If need by, focus on a still item in front of you (like the stern judgment of an LA enforcement officer).

4 - It doesn’t hurt to smile (not your career anyway – thats long gone).